I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
