I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
