She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My vagina is officially offended.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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