he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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