so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
