Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
