I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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