nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think a kid would responsible me up
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
