Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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