she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I think I just sharted jello shots
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
