Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
