i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm always down for nudity.
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