Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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