my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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