i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
