This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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