I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You can't special order awesome
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
