omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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