I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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