I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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