yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
