I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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