She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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