I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize