The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
