My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
