I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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