Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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