I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
