I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
