You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
