so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
