I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
