the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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