i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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