I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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