Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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