hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
