good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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