Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
