Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
