Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
