I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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