In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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