1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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