my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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