I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
