If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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