Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
