It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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