So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
