My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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