hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
