At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
