So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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