Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
