I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
