why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize