she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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