i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
