we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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