you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
