Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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