all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
