She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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